| Title: Stronger | I must be stronger, I must be faster, I must rule the world. Evil Harry | |
| Author:kjp08 | + / - | ASSSTV | |
| Rating: R | Category:Action/Adventure/Evil | Reviews:12| Published: August 21, 2008 | Updated: August 21, 2008 |
Reviews 1 - 12 of 12
Review for Stronger Chapter 2 from Lord Ravenclaw on June 29, 2009
"Dear dairy"
Diary. DIARY.
Author reply
I'll have you know she was writing to her pen pal who happens to be a cow.
Hi, great so far and I really like the internal dialogue.
Review for Stronger Chapter 2 from Alex_Snape on November 10, 2008
Not bad so far. Update soon.
Interesting story, I look forward to seeing where you take it.
Review for Stronger Chapter 1 from All-powerful-oz on August 24, 2008
Get rid of the bold text, learn to use commas and the I might read this. You haven't quite managed to pull off first-person narrative either. Best of luck.
You might want to go about getting yourself a grammar beta. And someone to sort out some of the speech, which seemed very forced and robotic.
Using bold like that is just plain annoying.
Evil Dumbledore = Fail
I'll probably keep reading this even though I will see more things I hate about it as each new chapter comes out. But it has potential, though I SERIOUSLY dout you will bring that potential out.
-Linc-
Author reply
Dumbledore being evil was the best way to bring off the whole Dursley beating him thing though I have come up with a better idea for the rewrite.
I don't think it is exactly bad, but it seems very rushed. Though it doesn't seem like that bad of a thing, you spelling "trial" as "trail" is really getting to me, every time I look over the word I am reading it as trail, like following the trail, and realize it doesn't go with the context of the sentence.
You should make greater use of comma's not to mention you should read up on how speech works in writing and rules on paragraphing. Although, that could all be solved by a decent beta.
As previous reviewers so politely pointed out, this story is a piece of crap. Unoriginal plot, shoddy execution and fuckload of grammatical mistakes. Oh, and bold font everywhere to make the experience unforgettable. Next time you want to post something and get reviews, have the decency to make it look presentable.
Author reply
You have a point about the bold lettering after I actually looked at it I can see where your coming from I’ll correct.
Review for Stronger Chapter 2 from Richardc269 on August 20, 2008
I can't read this either. I read the 1st chapter, but I couldn't with the 2nd chapter. You really need to fix this, needs more minor details.
Review for Stronger Chapter 2 from Memory King on August 20, 2008
The plot doesn't seem solid enough for my taste, and the writing seems kinda rushed.
How does Dumbledore plan on winning the trial, when Harry supposedly doesn't remember what happened? he doesn't seem to have put much thought on a good cover story. The Dementor Attack thingy won't work, no witnesses this time around, and the MoM will know for sure that they have everything totally under control in Azkaban.
Letting Harry snap because of Vernon is not that good an idea honestly. It has been done to death, and age certainly hasn't been helping things change.
Your story also reads somewhat like you're rushing through the filler so that you can go on to the good stuff.
My suggestion: Spend more time on each chapter, make it as solid as you can make it. Plan ahead, so that you don't write yourself in a corner later. This groundwork may seem boring and pointless at first, but it's definitely worth it in the end.
Good luck!
Author reply
I messed up the date’s the trail will be taking place a lot sooner so not as many people will be willing to go against Dumbledore. As for the minor mistakes I will be doing a rewrite soon and I hope to cover all of them then.
This story has potential, I'll give you that. But, I have a few problems with the mechanics of the story.
Your dialogue needs severe help. You have open quotes and close quotes at seemingly random places, two speakers on the same line (Moody talking with Dumbledore), and you should find some way to denote your thoughts from regular text (i.e.: single quote marks or italics).
Your capitalization likewise needs to be looked at more than once. I would suggest you get the help of a beta reader or two.
I'm not going to get into the spelling mistakes, because I honestly don't have a leg to stand on.
If you take the constructive criticism for what it is (free help...), this story could turn into something. Good luck!
Author reply
Thanks for the review I thought I did average with the dialogue though I have noticed me being stiff in past stories so I’ll take your word for it. As for the technical mistakes I didn’t think it was noticeable but that was wishful thinking I’ll try to edit it. I probably do need a beta but I’m having trouble finding one if you know anybody let me know. KJP
Reviews 1 - 12 of 12