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Review for Chapter 1 from Gwendy on December 09, 2008 at 08:48:46 PM
I just found this FFic site today. I came over here from This is the first story I decided to read. So far, I think your story is good and I plan to continue reading it. So please keep writing.
Review for Chapter 5 from Alssn on October 17, 2008 at 12:39:46 PM
Mary-sues? In my patronuscharm? Also, jumping POV and unimpressive writing makes this absolutely unreadable.
Oh, and lol @ Andromalius, who obviously has too much free time on his hands.
Review for Chapter 5 from Andromalius on October 16, 2008 at 11:22:03 PM
I'm not happy either. I won't comment on what kind of brain damage is required for showing the book to President Reagan.

Alright, I'm too disgusted to offer any commentary whatsoever. I've been reasonably civil as I've given you a chapter-by-chapter critique, without using any expletives.

For improvement: start with the DLP forum library, or even Recycling Bin, because this is literally one of the worst stories I've read. Observe what every single fic there has that yours lack: a plot. Conflict that is real and not contrived. Creativity, etc.

I concede that your fic has something those fics lack: Mary-Sues.
In abundance.

Wait, that's a negative.

If you have any respect for the reader, take your story down and delete your account. You came here because you averaged 1 review per story on FFnet and thought you deserved more. 1 per chapter, my dear writer, is already slightly more than you deserve.

PatronusCharm was coded and opened specifically so that the reader in search for quality fanfiction do not have to sift through writing spewed out by you before reaching a gem. You are not an aspiring author, but someone that makes the fanfiction experience worse and more exasperating for others. The reality is that people will scroll past your fic without a second thought, and if you want to change that, write something worth writing and worth reading.

Don't throw a hissy fit, get huffy, or angry. If I didn't tell you this, you would waste another God knows how many hours and electrons typing away at this abortion of a fic.

1/5, and that's a combination of my generosity and unwillingness to let all that typing I just did be for something that is probably 0/5 in actuality.
Review for Chapter 4 from Andromalius on October 16, 2008 at 11:00:46 PM
Samara Kay: beautiful and brilliant (of course).

So, how am I supposed to distinguish here from every other female character?

I've already established how problematic remembering your card-board cut-outs is. You have this kid Austin, and you use an identifier as him being the brother of other character, but I've already forgotten them.

I've read almost a hundred fanfics, and I remember most of their events and characters with clarity and yet can hardly remember the details of characters a few thousand words ago. I've recalled facts from an eight-chapter coverage Biology test with greater ease than your characters.

This presents two options: you could make the other characters more memorable in their introductory scene.

Or, you could omit this entirely since it is filler, and is just bloating your word-count.

I suppose Bellatrix spawned a child somewhere?
Review for Chapter 3 from Andromalius on October 16, 2008 at 10:50:21 PM
You make use of what I'm sure are literary theories somewhere, but I don't mind reinventing them and calling them 'fan-girl mechanics.' Such as the pairing of prefects during their nightly patrols. To your credit, Albus doesn't get with Roldina. Just for the sake of doing so, I'm doing to guess Scorpius.

Anyway, the discrimination against Squibs is retarded. Fine, there's been some progression happening off-screen that you don't want to spend brain-cells describing. Believable. But to send a Squib to Hogwarts is retarded to the extreme. Let me repeat myself. It. Is. Retarded!

Why would someone unable to perform magic be sent to a school where magic is taught? Magical Britain is backwards, fine, but any nation that passed _this_ law is straight up degenerate in the brain.

Unless of course she isn't actually a squib, which makes it all the more predictable. This is stupid from any viewpoint, any angle at all.

Another deal. If the squib turns out to actually be a squib and gets slandered to the point of committing suicide, I will rate this story 5 out of 5.

By this point it is too clear that not only is your writing style too meager, but you've invested minimal thought into this. The OCs are far, far too numerous and one-dimensional (actually, this applies to every character, canon or of your own creation) and events of such utter incredulity and such a tremendously high suspension of disbelief, I don't even think other readers like you would read this.
Review for Chapter 2 from Andromalius on October 16, 2008 at 10:34:35 PM
I'm trudging on because I'm not in the mood for you to dismiss my critiques based on me judging the first story alone.

Your attempts at humor fall flat. The: you love us so much so you can't stay away is just sad. Go on, say this in real life. People will look at you funny not because it is a corny comic-book movie line, but because it's just... stupid, bland, uncreative.

The Mary-Sue syndrome apparently has Lily Potter Jr. too. This is especially offensive to the reader's sensibilities because you already made her hate her family for no reason, but still insist on making her look mature and the works. So that when she realizes the error of her ways after causing much heartbreak and angst, she will still be perfect.

You have the Malfoy kid fawn over her, reinforcing the idea that the lack of plot will persist.

If I read the next chapters and find out that this was a cleverly-laid trap, I will read every single chapter of every single story you ever write. But I find that unlikely, given the 6 reviews you've gotten for 24k words on FFnet...
Review for Chapter 1 from Andromalius on October 16, 2008 at 10:20:44 PM
I'm not seeing Harry Potter anywhere in what I believe is a Harry Potter fanfiction.

Well, whatever. I came here and this is the only new story it seems.

The things you've done are terribly transparent.

Firstly, Roldine Hathway. I checked to see if it was a canon character and no, googling only turned up this fic on FFnet. Original character? Fine. Only you've aggressively tried to make her as perfect as possible. You make it impossible for Albus to pair up with her, which is jaw-dropping in how cliche it is. Mary-Sue self-inserts is already too much, but if only it ended there.

You've made Lily hate her parents for no discernible reason. I I had a smidgen of hope that it is part of a French-based group's insidious plot against the Potter family by poisoning Lily against her family by a force that Albus, or better yet, Harry (you know, the title character of the series who you've utterly disregarded) must defeat.

But that isn't happening, I don't think. What you are doing is creating superficial drama and a pretext for angst that anyone that is like yourself will see through in an instant.

Finally, you've tried to portray Albus as the type that pushes others away until the first romance melts her way into his heart. Tsk tsk.

My impression is that you have the intention of proceeding from day-to-day lives of the second - third? Let's just say latest - generation characters, judging by the chapter select menu.

Your opening chapter and the decisions wherein inspires zero faith of an actual plot.
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