A/N- I had a review saying I should update this story so here it is. Sorry if it isn't any good, I haven't even thought about this story for a long time. I had a good time writing this chapter though. Got me off the more serious tuff of Future Remapped and the War of the Dark.

"Where the fuck had you been?" Lily shouted. The 11 year old put her hands on her hips and glared angrily at Harry. Harry just snickered at the threatening look.

"Oh, here and there." He said casually. "Oh, Hello Narcissa, and it's always a pleasure to see the beautiful Bellatrix."

Narcissa inclined her head while Bellatrix blushed and ducked her head. Lily just kept glaring at Harry.

"Where. Were. You!" she shouted and a bed suddenly caught fire. Lily looked startled and Harry quickly flicked a finger in the direction of the now burning bed.

"Control your temper!" Harry said sternly and Lily ducked her head in shame.

"Sorry Dad." She said softly. Harry smiled and opened his arms out for her. Lily wasted no time in jumping in them, hugging her surrogate father with all her might.

"I missed you." Lily said as her voice was muffled through Harry's robes.

"I missed you too." Harry replied and let her go. He sat down on a bed and waited as the three Slytherins drew up chairs.

"So, where did you go?" Narcissa asked.

"And why d'ya blow up a house?" Bellatrix added.

"And who did you kill?" Lily questioned as she pointed to several bloodstains on his charred and torn robes.

"It's a long story." Harry said and he settled down to recount his long tales. "Well, it all begins when a clan of vampires sent me to Siberia."

"Siberia?" Lily said incredulously.

"Don't ask." Harry muttered.

FLASHBACK!

"You have got to be kidding me." Harry muttered to himself. He had walked over four kilometres after discovering that he couldn't Apparate in this place only to find that the pile of strange and mysterious stones was actually just an ordinary pile of strange and mysterious stones.

"For Fuck's sake!" Harry growled. He turned around and started walking to a black speck on the horizon. "Stupid damn vampires!"

He kept walking until the sun went down, making Siberia colder and darker than it already was. Harry sighed and conjured a tent complete with a sleeping bag, pillows and blankets. He muttered a charm and the tip of his wand glowed, sending off a warm light. He propped himself on one shoulder and opened the book of vampiric magic that he had been given.

HALT!

"Wait a minute! The vampires actually gave you a book on their magic?" Narcissa asked in astonishment.

"Yeah, so?" Harry replied. Narcissa blinked and looked at Harry as if he was crazy…which she probably was right.

"No mortal, and I mean NO mortal has ever been taught Vampire magic. Vampires keep their unique brand of magic close and no matter what sides in a war they take; they always make sure that no one ever finds out how to use Blood Magic." Narcissa explained.

"No shit?" Harry asked. Bellatrix just looked at Harry with a wide-eyed look and Lily looked bored.

"You still haven't answered my question." She said.

BACK TO THE FLASHBACK!

Harry stayed up half the night reading before dozing off. He guessed that he had only a day or two more until he had to return to his host, (Lily), or he would pass on in the world. (Die…again.) In the morning he quickly packed his tent and cast a bubblehead shield to stop the snow falling on him. With a quick flick of his wand he cast a warming charm and a disillusionment charm around himself, to keep people from seeing him. He also cast a water walking charm to stop his footprints being seen.

He continued to the little speck, which got bigger and bigger as Harry approached it. It was about 12:34 pm when Harry got a good look at it. It was a Manor. The Manor was built with grey stones and had a dark and evil look to it.

"This smells of Voldemort." Harry said and wrinkled his nose as the smell washed over him. It smelt like rotting camel and Harry turned his head to see the rotting corpse of a deer.

"Wow! I never knew that rotting animal corpses and Voldemort could smell so alike." Harry muttered to himself. He crept towards the house and pulled out a piece of parchment. He pointed his wand at the house and muttered a very long 5-minute incantation before tapping his wand on the parchment. The parchment glowed and slowly lines began to form in the image of a house plan. There were several dots on the plan, mostly clustered around a single room. There were no names as that charm took at least an hour to cast. He saw that two guards were patrolling the entrance hall and a plan began to form in his mind.

Anderson was bored. He was a newly recruited Death Eater and had been expecting some muggle killings or a Dark Magic ritual or two but here he was stuck on guard duty. He sighed and took a sip of his tea, then shot up from his chair as a loud knocking was heard from the front door. He gave his partner a curious glance then opened the eyes slot and peered out.

"What do you want?" he asked roughly. A robed figure was standing on the porch with a walking stick. When he spoke, it was the voice of an old man.

"Excuse me, I was wandering if you have a bowl of sugar I could borrow?" The man said wheezily.

"No, now Fuck off!" Anderson snarled.

"Not even a teaspoon?" The old man asked again.

"Go away!" Anderson cried out.

"A grain, that's all I'm asking." The old man persisted.

"NO!" Anderson snapped. His partner growled in annoyance at the old guy and muttered to Anderson. "Just kill him!"

"The Master doesn't want unnecessary attention drawn to this manor." Anderson hissed back.

"Then give him some sugar!" The other recruit said exasperatedly and nodded towards the bowl of sugar sitting next to Andersons cup of tea.

"Fine!" Anderson snapped and grabbed the bowl. He unlocked the doors and as they opened, so did all the locking charms and burglary alarms that were placed on it.

"Here's your damn sugar!" Anderson snapped and shoved the bowl in the stranger's hands. He looked at the stranger and noticed a set of emerald green eyes on a youthful but dangerous face. "Who the fuck…ARGH!"

Harry leapt forward and had slashed Anderson in the neck with a switchblade. He pointed his wand at the other recruit who was fumbling for his wand.

"Advada Kedavra!" Harry hissed and a jet of green light hit the Death Eater, who dropped to the ground with a look of shock on his face. Harry closed the door and picked up the bowl of sugar.

"Thanks for the sugar guys." He said gratefully and pocketed it.

ANOTHER HALT!

"By the way, do you want it?" Harry asked Lily and pulled out a metal bowl from his robes that appeared to be full of sugar.

"Er…I'll pass thanks." Lily said slowly.

"Why the hell did you ask for a bowl of sugar?" Narcissa asked.

"Well it was either that or for an Elvis record."

BACK TO THE FLASHBACK, PART TWO: THE SEARCH FOR MORE FLASHBACK'S!

Harry crept along the corridor, occasionally looking at him map to find the room with all the figures. He reached the door at the end and tapped it with his wand. The door glowed and turned transparent. Now Harry could see through but all they could see was a solid wood door. It also let sound filter through and Harry leant forward eagerly to listen.

"So we need two dragon scales, a chimera's tooth and the blood of a vampire lord?" A Death Eater asked.

"And once we mix that with the blood of our lord, we will have created a strengthening potion so strong that it will make our Lord unstoppable." The leader said triumphantly.

Harry caught sight of a small vial of blood on the table that was in the centre of the room. There were twelve Death Eaters talking in the room. Harry quickly turned himself invisible and quietly opened the door a crack and slipped in. He closed the door and smirked as no one noticed that the door had opened. He quietly hopped over legs, feet and a house elf as he tried to make his way to the centre of the room to get that damn vial. Looks like the vampires were right after all.

He had almost gotten the vial when one of the Death Eaters leant forward quickly, knocking into Harry who tumbled forward.

"HEY!" The Death Eater shouted. All eyes turned to him. "There's someone in here, invisible!"

They jumped to their feet and started casting revealing charms. Harry staggered up and was hit by the revealing curse.

"Who the fuck are you?" The leader hissed as Harry had all wands trained on him.

"I'm the Postman." Harry said and smiled.

"No, really, who are you!" The Leader snarled.

"Fine. I'm the Queen of Egypt. I just had a sex change." Harry smirked and laughed at the confused expressions on the Death Eater's faces.

"Sir, should we kill him?" One of them asked.

"Make it quick!" The Leader commanded. "We have work to do."

"Advada Kedavra!" A Death Eater snarled and the still smiling Harry ducked quickly and levelled his wand.

"Accio!" He muttered and the vial of blood zoomed into Harry's hands.

"GIVE THAT BACK!" The leader shouted.

"The ducks go quack, quack." Harry said with a crazy glint in his eyes as he continued ducking or sidestepping curses.

HALT…AGAIN!

"The ducks go quack, quack?" Bellatrix said.

"I thought it sounded funny." Harry said and shrugged at their mystified looks. "Well, it made perfect sense for me to say it."

"I think your dad might be insane." Bellatrix whispered to Lily.

"There's no might about it." Lily muttered back.

"Well, all powerful wizards are a bit eccentric." Narcissa said.

FLASHBACK THREE: THE DOGS GO BOW WOW!

"Stupefy!" Harry said and a red beam streaked from his wand and into the face of a surprised Death Eater. He quickly sent a hailstorm of curses at the group while walking backwards out of the room.

"Expelliarmus!" Harry whispered. A Death Eater was slammed into the ground as his wand was ripped from his grasp. He sent a cutting curse at another and a splatter of blood showered Harry as the curse hit its target.

"Crucio!" A Death Eater yelled and Harry dived behind a chair.

"Flammere Ioblous!" Harry cried and a large fireball of red, yellow and orange singed the air as it exploded into a shower of flames, sending the Death Eater's scampering. He took the time to quickly run out the room and down the corridor. He was halfway to the exit when a loud siren started to wail.

"Well shit." Harry said and jumped down the stairs, three at a time. He rushed towards the door and as he passed another hallway he saw a flash of grey zoom at him. He quickly rolled to the side as a large club swung over his head. He looked up and gulped as a large mountain troll looked back down at him. It swung again and Harry quickly thrust out his hands while hooking his wand behind his thumb. The club appeared to his something as it stopped several centimetres from Harry's hand. The troll grunted in confusion and swung again. The club exploded into shards of wood as the club smashed onto the shield Harry had set, for second time.

"Repello!" Harry muttered and the troll gave a snort as it was hit by an invisible force and sent careening down the corridor. Harry sighed and took a deep breath before he was hit in the back. The blow sent him flying several metres and if it wasn't for that fact that Harry was already dead, then he would be severely injured However, being dead could have it's advantages and the blow had done nothing more than give him a bruise. He jumped up and whipped his wand at the troll that had somehow sneaking up on him.

"Beggebaddabudud!" Harry yelled and the troll screamed as it morphed into a troll sized Barbie doll. He snickered then reached into his pocket and pulled out a large lump of plastic.

"Now, how in God's name do you work C4?" he muttered to himself. He slammed the plastic on the main support pillar and stuck in a receiver. He grinned as the detonator blinked, indicating that it had worked and sent streaks of magic at the Death Eaters who had finally caught up with him and trying to get down the staircase. He slipped out the front door and slammed them shut while putting up a powerful locking charm. He sprinted as fast as he could for 50 metres before pushing the button on the handheld detonator.

The Manor exploded into a burst of flames as the 20 kilograms of C4 activated.

FLASHBACK OVER…FOR REAL THIS TIME!

"Wow!" Bellatrix whispered in awe. "You have an exciting life!"

"Thanks." Harry said.

"What about the Riddle house? Why did you blow that up?" Narcissa asked as Lily crawled onto Harry's lap.

"Oh, I was bored." Harry said casually.

"I'm glad you're back." Lily said as she snuggled into Harry's embrace. "Because have I got some things to tell you!"