Disclaimer: To reiterate the words of last week, never, ever drink a rainbow potion. I do not own Harry Potter in any way, shape, or form, as you can probably tell by the fact that this is posted on a fanfiction website.
Cannons stun Harpies!
HOLYHEAD, WALES – The Chudley Cannons defeated the Holyhead Harpies in a dominating performance Saturday night, finishing the game 300-0. The Cannons chasers were in top form, Rex Orton, Brandon Davis, and Devin Forte scored 15 goals together. The Cannons chasers looked extremely comfortable with each other, even raising a few eyebrows with their possibly over affectionate celebrations.
The Cannons rookie Keeper, Ron Weasley was unstoppable, blocking 11 goals from the rings. The Beaters looked good as well, Captain Ryan Wood and Mark Hardin protected the team well and stopped the Quaffle from even getting down to Ron Weasley several times.
The biggest question going into the game was if Harry Potters' skills catching the Snitch would carry over to the Isle League, and he did not disappoint. His debut couldn't have gone better, after a suicidal dive attempt to catch the Snitch ended rival Seeker and ex-girlfriend, Ginny Weasley's night, sending her out-of-control into the wall of Holyhead Stadium's raised grandstands. Ginny Weasley, had multiple injuries, including a skull fracture that may keep her out of Holyhead's game next week at Bellycastle. Harry Potter deftly caught the Snitch not long after, ending a beautifully played shutout.
Potter commented on the match in a press conference afterward,“Well, I wasn't intentionally trying to injure her... These things happen. Better her than me, though.”
When the Team Captain, Wood was asked about Harry's night he simply commented,”Harry's a great seeker, we just want to focus on next week, with Tutshill.” Manager Lou Smith echoed Wood's words.
Indeed, the Cannon's home opener next Sunday, against the Tutshill Tornadoes should be a good one, maybe this is the Cannon's year after all.
-
Harry finished reading the article, pleased with it. It was Sunday morning and the team was currently staying at the team clubhouse, they had been put on a 48-hour, round-the-clock suicide watch after the game by Smith. Evidently, he caught Hardin and Davis trying to hang themselves in the locker room after the potion wore off. Supposedly they had been getting busy in there before it did wear off and Harry really didn't want to know if that was true. Harry himself had terrible thoughts of taking the easy way out, after having several fantasies that didn't really belong in his head.
Ron had taken a leave of absence from the Auror Corps to stay with the team. Harry caught him making a noose out of a bed sheet later on that night. Suicide watches after matches must have been a fairly common thing in Quidditch, at least for the Cannons anyway. They had a room designated for it, with bunks and tables all around, with a chair in the middle for one of the team staff to keep an eye on them. It wasn't really common practice to use the room after a win, though.
Later on Sunday, Wood took it upon himself to keep the team busy, and sure enough, Harry found himself sweating bullets on the practice pitch. After two days of being beat down, the team left Monday night, too tired to do anything, let alone think unclean thoughts.
-
Harry returned to work Tuesday morning.
“Rough weekend?” Cindy asked as he walked in.
“You don't even know the half of it,” Harry replied, looking and feeling like he had just been through a war.
Settling down in his office with a cup of tea, an unusual beverage for him, he decided to start the case on Malfoy. Seeing as how the Prime Minister one wasn't shaking out yet, he needed something to keep himself occupied.
He grabbed some floo powder out of one of his drawers and kneeled down by his tiny office fireplace to keep make some calls.
An hour, and some floo powder later, he had found out that Malfoy was currently playing as a first year Seeker for the Falmouth Falcons, and had no position in the Ministry at all. He had been completely banned from the building, that way his father and him couldn't influence anyone there. He was also suspected of already cheating on his future wife. The Malfoy's had started some sort of Pureblood sub-society with some of the Voldemort sympathizers that were not found guilty of being the Death Eating type. This sort of bothered Harry, but if they were not committing any wrongdoing than it was okay with him.
He grabbed his jacket and decided he was going to pay the town of Falmouth a visit.
-
After 3 days of watching Malfoy's daily routine, Harry was frustrated. The Falcon's practice schedule was different from the Cannon's, they trained in the morning instead of the afternoon. So while Harry was getting some incredibly great recon on the team, who the Cannons played in less than 2 weeks, he wasn't getting anything on Malfoy's more important activities.
He bartered the info on the Falcons for a day off in training to see what the Magical Purity Society, as they called themselves, were up to. Smith was absolutely surprised and delighted to see that Harry's day job was helping the team and was happy to give him Friday off.
Harry had found out that the weekly meetings were on Friday nights, usually at Malfoy Manor, where Malfoy still lived with his parents. 'Ha ha, loser.' The meetings weren't always there, but hoped it was this Friday, or else he would be fucked. He knew how to get into the manor, after following Malfoy home one evening, but anywhere else and he might get caught. He had a contact in the Ministry monitoring Malfoy's apparating points, so he would be able to find out when and where he went to places. If he went someplace new, though, he wouldn't be able to find it in time.
Harry was chilling out on the Falcon's practice pitch all morning under his invisibility cloak, waiting, and finally Malfoy apparated away after changing in the locker room.
Harry got up and silently apparated to Malfoy Manor.
Silently, he invisibly came into existence outside the manor, Malfoy was just entering the gates. Harry crept in behind him and silently followed him up to the front door.
Harry went in before him and sneaked through the entryway. Malfoy went into the bathroom where he did not return for 2 hours. 'Damn', Harry thought, looking at his watch. 'Did he fall in or something, shit.'
Finally Malfoy came out when the doorbell rang. He opened the door and a witch walked in. Or, wait, 'Is that Blaise Zabini? Oh my fucking god, he's a transvestite,' Harry thought.
Blaise never had any female qualities in school, but some really idiot girls used to think he was for some reason. His name didn't even sound like a girl's name, but they continued to think he was. He was a guy, and everybody seemed to realize that around sixth year. His name was just barely mentioned enough to make people make up stupid stories about him before that.
Harry followed them up to the bedroom to see if they were up to something. He made the mistake of barely walking in when Malfoy shut the door with a wave of his wand, and then put up some privacy charms.
'Oh, no,' Harry thought, with the feeling he was about to witness something terrible. Looking at the door he thought about just bolting though it and making a run for it. He looked back to see Zambini and Malfoy making out.
'Oh, God, why? What have I done to deserve this?' he thought, slowly loosing his mind. He had to stay though, checking in on that meeting later was worth it.
Harry thought he may have to be put on another suicide watch after witnessing this. Or he could just Obliviate himself again. He wondered why he hadn't thought of that after the match against Holyhead. On the other hand, a few memories of some gay thoughts was not too bad of a price to pay though for remembering such a great match.
Trying to ignore and divert his thoughts from Malfoy getting pounded by Zabini, he got a wild idea.
“Obliviate, Obliviate. No one else was, or is still thankfully, in here or the rest of the house.” He quickly opened the door and shut it behind him. He heard a noise from downstairs, and he knew that the rest of the Malfoys were home now, too. He got an evil idea at this point. He weaved his wand around, taking Malfoy's Silencing Charm down and set up an Sound Amplifying one instead. Feeling sick to his stomach still, he could loudly hear that Zambini and Malfoy had continued to go at it after he left.
Grinning like a maniac, he got out of the way to watch Lucius and Naricissa run up the stairs and throw open the door, catching their son in the unspeakable act.
The preceding events were enough to keep him entertained until the meeting.
-
It was Sunday afternoon and the Chudley Cannons were in their clubhouse getting ready for the game. Smart was going over plays with the Chasers, and Zimmerman was having a conversation with Ryan Wood, while the other Beater, Mark Hardin listened. Smith was praising Ron still after the last match and giving him advice, who was nodding his head enthusiastically.
It was last minute prep time, which meant Harry really had nothing more to do, really. He sat on the bench taking special care of the Aftershock, which had really saved his ass the last match.
Friday nights meeting was a bust. The Malfoys appeared to be doing nothing wrong. The meeting was utterly boring. Just a bunch of stuck up ponces opening and closing their cock-holsters, literally in Draco Malfoy's case. They argued for awhile about who's family is more honorable and blood worthy, and which family sucked the most, (which Harry thought had to be the Malfoy's considering). Overall, he had never seen a group of people spew so much bullshit, then try to shovel it at each other. It really sucked, and Harry was really disappointed.
After the bullshit ended, Harry slipped out with the last guest to leave, contemplating self-obliviation. He didn't though, wondering how many times he had been Memory Charmed by his own wand. No, this kind of behavior had to stop, one day he might pull a Lockhart and fry his own brain.
Smith looked up, “It's time, get out there.”
The left the clubhouse locker room heading out through the stadium tunnel. Taking a peek out into the stadium, he saw a massive sea of orange, and it seemed they had sold out the home opener.
A booming deep voice echoed over the stadium. “Ladies and Gentlemen, this year's Chudley Cannons!”
Everyone cheered. “At Seeker, the Boy-Who-Lives, the Defeater of You-Know-Who, the one and only, HARRY POTTER!”
Harry ran out onto the pitch, holding the Aftershock aloft, and the crowd went absolutely ape-shit.
“The Keeper, Ron WEASLEY! Chasers, Brandon DAVIS, Devin FORTE, and Rex ORTON!” They all ran out onto the pitch beside Harry.
“And finally, the Beaters, Mark HARDIN and Captain RYAN WOOD!”
The Captains shook hands and everyone kicked off after the whistle starting the game. Harry ended it immediately.
“Cannons get the Quaffle, Davis to Forte, back to Davis, to, WHAT?! POTTERS GOT SNITCH, CANNONS WIN, CANNONS WIN!”
A large cannon of to the side of the pitch went of with a tremendous bang, and every Cannons player mobbed Harry in midair.
“A new record everyone! 3 seconds into the game, Potter wins it. 150-0!”
Harry almost felt bad, nobody even got a chance to do anything, the fans didn't seem to care about the lack of a short game, though. They stayed up in the stands and partied for hours after the match ended.
Harry landed and handed the Snitch to Smith. He just looked at it then at Harry.
“Good lord, Potter, this is surprising even for you,” he said shaking his head. “Good job, everyone, lets all go talk to the press.”
They all followed Harry off to the side where reporters crowded around him, ambushing him with questions. He looked over to the other side of the pitch to see the Tornadoes seeker, Bob Plumpton had lost his temper, he was picking up shit and tossing it left and right. Harry just shrugged, if he indeed caught it in 3 seconds, he had just broken Plumpton's grandfather's record.
Ryan Wood was beside Harry watching the same thing, he said,”You know, I don't know why he's so mad, you might have let him off easy. I won't be surprised if half the Seekers we play this year end up like Ginny Weasley and that girl that tried out.”
Harry agreed but added in,”Yeah, but most of them have looks to lose, if anything Ginny would have to come out of that looking better, because she couldn't have gotten any uglier.”
-
It was dinner night at the Burrow. Harry and Ron had arrived after the game. Walking through the door he was met with a warm welcome from the whole family and extended family as usual. Except for Ginny, she gave him one cold glance and ignored him from that point on. Angelina was not there with George.
As it turned out, the injuries Ginny sustained had in fact made her uglier, which was surprising. Then again, she always got a little bit uglier to Harry, every time he looked at her, in fact. She was wearing a stupid little Holyhead hat.
“Incredible game, Harry. Didn't think it was even possible to catch the Snitch that fast,” Charlie said. Harry gave him the full rundown of how it happened.
After dinner at the Burrow, everybody stayed to celebrate with Harry and Ron. They drank, talked about good times, talked about bad times, and drank some more. Harry knocked Ginny's hat off her head at one point, revealing her head, which had been shaved bald by the healers. After a while things got fuzzy.
-
Harry woke up in Ron's room in the morning. He breathed a sigh of relief at this, until he noticed a bald head laying on the pillow beside him.
'Fuck,' he thought.'How is it that every time I come over here, I end up sleeping with her.'
Some of his memories from the night before came back to him and he nearly burst into laughter. He had given her a Dirty Sanchez at one point, and he also remembered Donkey punching her in the back of her head when he was finished, which had knocked her out cold for the rest of the night.
He couldn't get over how ugly she actually was, especially with no hair. Her head was freaking block shaped. Good thing the males have the dominant genes in the Weasley family, cause the women weren't very good looking. Coming up with a plan in his head, he pulled out his wand and cast a silencing charm around the room. He then shot some ropes out of his wand to tie her to the bed. He gagged her with one of Ron's old shirts, which caused her to wake.
She let off a startled, but muffled yelp.
They were both still naked, and Harry decided to get a little more payback for what she did to him that one morning.
First he gave her a Cleveland Steamer, and the he found a handle from an old broomstick laying on Ron's floor and he shoved up someplace where the sun doesn't shine. Literally really, considering Ginny's ass cheeks were as pale as a sheet of paper.
She screamed into the shirt and Harry got dressed and decided to leave her there. The ropes should disappear in about an hour anyway.
“Don't ever sleep with me again,” he said before walking out of the room.
-
Harry couldn't believe Malfoy was actually not doing anything wrong. Actually, he had to clarify that with himself, he wasn't doing anything dark or evil. On the other hand, you really had to define dark and evil, cause he really could be considering.
The pureblood meetings were not being held to plan anything malicious. In fact, if they wanted to be all inbred, he had no right to stop them. Still, Harry called Astoria to his office to give her the information he found, and call it case closed.
“Harry, Miss Greengrass is here to see you,” Cindy said before ushering in Astoria.
“Astoria, thank you for coming, I wanted to share what I found out about your future husband with you.
“First though, I want to know what you already knew, I need to know why you needed me to find out the rest. Everything,” he said with an emphasis on the last word.
“Well, I knew he attended meetings that excluded me, although my parents were present at most. I also know he didn't want to invite me,” she said.
“I know what the meeting are for, I happened to attend one last week, unknown to them. I know why you weren't invited now, too. The Malfoy family and the Greengrass family were deciding on, and approving of the marriage of the two families. Congratulations, an arranged marriage, I can just feel the love,” he said, ending sarcastically.
“Well I suspected as much, but ultimately had the final say, I don't care if I get disowned by my family. I will still marry him anyway, provided he wasn't doing anything else,” she said.
“Nothing like before, if your thinking of when he was a Death Eater. I must assume you don't know that he's cheating on you already. Did you?.”
“Yes, I know that he cheats on me, Pansy Parkinson, ugly bitch. Also that hag, Millicent Bulstrode, words can't describe how low his standards must be.”
Harry took a moment to consider that. He hadn't seen Millicent Bulstrode lately, but somehow knew that she would be within Drunk Harry's standards, who didn't seem to have any standards to speak of. He started thinking his drinking was making him schizophrenic, and wondered how long it would be before his friends chucked him into the nuthouse.
He noticed Astoria was looking at him impatiently, and thought about what the next thing he was going to say.
Clearing his throat, he said, “Those aren't all, did you know he was cheating on you with Blaise Zabini?”
“Fucking faggot. Are you sure?”
“Witnessed it, unfortunately. Zabini was dressed up like a girl,” he said.
“Not too surprising really, come to think of it, always thought he was on the fruity side,” she said. He did not know whether she was talking about Zambini or Malfoy.
“Also, your sister, Daphne.”
“WHAT!” she screamed, enraged.
“Settle down, Greengrass, really,” he said trying to calm her.
“My own sister! Him taking it up the ass is one thing, but my sister? That motherfucker. Regularly? Cause he can't even get me off, I don't see why she would come back,” she said hysterically.
“Calm down, here, have a drink, that it,” he said, handing her a firewhiskey.
She drank it immediately, looking at Harry meaningfully. “How about I get revenge on him, again?”
Harry thought about it, while he normally didn't have a problem taking advantage of a woman in a distressed state, he now came to the conclusion that this was Malfoy's sloppy seconds.
“Sorry, Greengrass, I just want paid,” he said.
She looked miserable, but he didn't give a shit. She pulled out a Gringotts bank draft out of her purse.
“Ah, no, sorry, can't accept that, I only take gold and Muggle money,” he said, thinking of his personal war with the fucking goblins.
She looked like she was about to snap on him, then pulled a pouch out of her purse, emptying the contents on his desk, which was hundreds of Galleons and Sickles.
She slammed her firewhiskey on the desk and exited the office.
Harry just sat there, not believing he had actually just turned down sex.
-
“You gave me Gonorrhea, asshole!”
Harry looked around at his teammates, who were all looking at him amused, except for Ron. Ginny had somehow fire called the Cannon's locker room, livid, right before their match against Falmouth.
“I don't even know what you are talking about, I don't have Gonorrhea, you must have gotten it from someone else,” he said to her head in the fire, wishing it actually were on fire like it looked.
“But you're the only one I ever fucked!” she yelled, looking like she wished she could come through the fire and kill Harry. The locker room fireplace only let calls in and out, not people. She must have gotten the address from Ron, and Harry made sure to remember to get some revenge on him for it.
Unsure how to respond to that he said, “Right, well got to go, match and all.”
With that said, he kicked his foot into the fire, right into her face, putting her on her ass on the other side. The connection ended.
He turned around and Smith had appeared, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.
“Whatever. Let's get out there, kick ass like we've been doing, and don't let these motherfuckers beat up on you. They foul a lot, so Chasers be on your game for the free ones. Ron, like Harry said, their beaters are brutal, they won't hesitate to send one at you, whether the Quaffle's in the box or not, stay on your guard,” he said looking at the players he was addressing.
“Potter, try to break your record last week, Wood, Hardin, keep control of those Bludgers, it is crucial today. You got anything else to add Wood?”
“Yes, coach! We need to annihilate these bastards, show them how a good team can play fair and win, but still knock the shit out them! Lets go Cannons! WE SHALL CONQUER!” Wood bellowed out. The team all screamed in return, “WE SHALL CONQUER!”
Looking incredibly pumped up they ran out of the tunnel, the Cannons ran out onto the pitch with the usual introductions.
Harry stood up straight mounting his broom, looking at Malfoy the whole time. The ref blew the whistle but this time the Snitch was smart enough to get the hell away from Harry as soon as possible.
He flew around the pitch keeping a good eye out, waiting for Malfoy to come try to fuck with him. Malfoy kept his distance though, circling the pitch on the opposite side of Harry.
Ron started off bad, letting in a Quaffle and ending his streak. Harry shouted out some words of encouragement as he went by. It was a pretty evenly matched, Harry thought. 10-10, Rex had just scored for Chudley. The Cannon's Chasers were big and burly, they weren't really taking any shit from the Falmouth Chasers. The Cannons Beaters on the other hand, were doing outstanding. Everytime it looked like the Quaffle was going to be turned over to the Falcons, they managed to send a Bludger the opposing Chaser's way. The Falcon's Keeper, Brian Moorehead was keeping the other team alive. The Cannon's Chasers were having a hard time breaking him.
At the score 20-10 in the Falcon's favor, Harry knew it was up to him to win the game. Not that he wasn't wanting to fuck up Malfoy in the meanwhile.
Slowing down, while still keeping an eye out for the snitch, he let Malfoy fly in close to him.
“Potter,” Malfoy greeted, almost politely.
“Malfoy,” Harry said in return, nodding his head towards him.
“Just like the old Gryffindor-Slytherin matches, isn't it Potter,” Malfoy said.
'It is,' Harry thought, only instead of his familiar scarlet and gold robes, he had the Cannon's orange and black. Instead of Malfoy wearing Green and Silver, he had on the Falcon's colors, their robes were dark grey, almost black, in fact. They reminded him of Death Eaters. Only Death Eater's didn't have big white falcons on their chests.
Still, though, Malfoy was almost being civil to him, very strange. Harry thought he saw the snitch out of the corner of his eye, he didn't look that way, not wanting to alert Malfoy of it's presence.
“You know Draco, the other day I saw Blaise Zabini. He was looking really pretty,” Harry said as if they were good buddies, looking Malfoy in the eye.
“You did, did you?” Malfoy said looking away flustered. He brushed it off like nothing happened.
“Yeah, I did. Almost like he was dressing up for someone.” Harry said, looking at Malfoy knowingly.
Malfoy turned red and looked away. “Yeah, well, I've been seeing your girlfriend lately Potter, the redheaded, blood-trading bitch, real upset you crashed her into a wall.”
Malfoy wouldn't have said that if he had seen her lately, he wouldn't have tried baiting Harry with it if he did.
Misinterpreting Harry's silence, but not having much else to say, he continued, “Yeah, real shame she's still ugly.”
At this Harry let out a snort, “One thing we actually agree on,” Harry said laughing. If Draco wasn't rattled before, he really was now, he needed Harry to rise to something. Meanwhile Harry saw the Snitch out of the corner of his eye again.
“You know Draco, I saw your fiancé a couple of weeks ago. Intimately. Did you know she has a scar high on her left leg near her snatch?”
Draco turned white as a sheet as Harry sped off in the direction of the Snitch. Harry wasn't flying downward this time, but he shocked Malfoy long enough to get a head start and snatch the Snitch out of the air easily with time to spare, if he had needed.
“CANNONS WIN, POTTERS GOT THE SNITCH!”
As Harry flew down, he looked around and watched Malfoy. He didn't look overly pissed, just nodded knowing Harry got the best of him and flew off the pitch sportsmanlike.
Shaking his head at that, Harry was mobbed once again by the rest of the Cannon's players.
-
Later in the clubhouse, Smith walked up to Harry and popped down on his knees, which was not an easy task for someone his age.
Looking in Harry's eyes, he asked, “Potter, will you marry me?”
Everyone erupted in torrents of laughter.
Smith stood up and Harry looked around at everyone in his boxers with a straight face.
“What? That isn't shit compared to what I actually said to Malfoy before I caught the Snitch,” Harry said, before telling them all the story with Malfoy's future wife and what was said during the match.
Harry was the only one that had even started changing out of his robes, which was unfortunate because he ended up getting showered with beer right after that. It was more of a party than it was a debrief on the game.
The press tried to get in once, but Harry locked them out with a special locking charm he cast with his wand.
They partied for hours, the team's managers tried calming everyone a couple times, before giving up and joining them. After lots of sprayed beer and several shouts of, “WE SHALL CONQUER!”, the team decided to call it a night.
--