Fic Background: This isn't so much a fic as just where I throw up the random shit I write to keep myself occupied. They're almost always going to be one or at the very most two shots, hence the name.
And really, it only does take one shot to the head. I just like overkill.
Enough talk.
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On Getting One's Dick Wet
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It was entirely too late at night and Merlin's balls I was completely and utterly pissed. I was drunk to the point of confusing a right turn and a left turn, apparently. So yeah, I ended up wandering into a random house and staggering into the bedroom to pass out...
...Right on top of a woman in the bed. I thought... Actually, I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I thought that Ron had set me up with a hooker or somesuch; I don't know and really don't want to think about it too much. Anyway, long story short, by the end of the night, we ended up fucking.
A lot.
---
The morning after, my first thought was that whoever invented the sun should be Crucio'd until their brains leaked from their ears. My second thought was to wonder who the girl next to me was. Of course, she chose that moment to wake up, and smiled at me.
Suddenly, I recognized her. It was Daphne Greengrass.
"Well, morning, Potter. Is something wrong?"
I raised an eyebrow. On one hand, if memory served correctly, she was a pretty good shag considering I was shitfaced at the time. On the other hand, she was probably liable to be setting me up to fuck with my head. She may not be evil, but she was still a Slytherin.
I smiled back at her as I replied. "Nah, not really. Just trying to remember how many times I got my dick wet last night."
She blinked, thrown a bit off balance. Works every time. Especially if you did, in fact, get your dick wet multiple times the night previous.
Before she could respond, I made to stand. "Anyway, I'll cook you breakfast."
"...Breakfast?"
"Yeah. Breakfast. Not a hard concept."
She blinked again, and shook her head, letting me do as I wished. Score.
---
"...So, Potter, out of curiousity, why did you show up at my door, of all the places you could have gone to fuck?"
I contemplated my eggs for a second. "Could be I remember you being the only Slytherin who I didn't absolutely hate and felt like a change of pace?"
It was a good reason. Totally false, but a good reason, and I take pride in it.
"...You had that much ability to reason as drunk as you were?"
"Well, yes. I'm a multitalented, incredibly wealthy international man of mystery and complete genius. Want to fuck?"
She did.
---
As I was leaving, she called my name. I turned and tilted my head back a little.
"...Come back sometime. It was fun. Just maybe a little less pissed?"
"I'll think about it."
Sure, I may be an unemployed alchoholic ever since I killed Voldemort, but Merlin be damned if I don't love my life.
---
A few days and more whiskey than I'd like to think about later, I was sitting with Ron in my flat, drinking and listening to the Wireless. The Cannons were getting their ass kicked in yet another game, but Ron was taking it good-naturedly. He'd mellowed out a bit since Hogwarts, thankfully.
Suddenly, my door flew open. I grabbed my wand and pointed it...
...at Daphne Greengrass.
"You, get out of here. You, come with me. We're fucking."
She walked past us into my bedroom, and we stared at her as she walked by. Ron coughed and raised an eyebrow.
"Something I should know?"
"Not really, unless you want to hear about the details of me getting my dick wet."
"...I'll pass. Why a Slytherin, though?"
I finished off my beer before answering. "Eh, might as well ask why you're married to Hermione, seeing as she's something of a cripple ever since she lost her leg in the war."
"Same reason I love it when she wears skirts: Easier access. But I do see your point. Later, have fun." He chuckled and stood, walking from my apartment.
Have I mentioned that I love my life lately?