A/N: Yeah, this is an HP/Internets crossover. Blame IRC. And me, because I'm the dick that wrote it. :P
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Waking up to the sound of a gunshot, I knew it'd be one of those days. I sighed, grabbed my wand, and glanced out the door of my room. There was no immediate threat-- Well, besides my uncle, Vernon, who was a gaiafag-- so I threw on some clothes and headed downstairs. After all, no self-respecting wizard would ever use a gun on CATURDAY!
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However, as I turned the corner, I found my cousin lying dead on the couch. Apparently he'd decided to become an hero. I sighed, shook my head, and walked out the front door. My horse-faced aunt tried to stop me, but I slapped her with a bowl of creepypasta and kept on truckin'.
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Tonks found me at the park, where I was passing the time. I glanced at her and decided she needed some surprise sex, so I rammed the donut holder up her pooper. She screamed, and I called her a hippy and told her to shut the fuck up.
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Later, after I dealt with the Department of Epic Win, she took me to get on the Hogwarts Express. This is actually not that great of a thing-- I would have rather ridden the series of tubes to get there, or at least a truck. However, it did have the advantage of not making me have to deal with some serious business.
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Of course, it wouldn't be a ride to Hogwarts without that fucking furry named Draco fucking Malfoy coming in and pissing me off. Luckily, I was CHARGIN MAH LAZER while watching dinosaur sex out the window when he came in and started pissing me off, so it was a simple matter of hitting him with the banhammer.
Hermione looked at me like I was crazy after the incident was over. I shrugged and pointed out that she had centipedes in her vagina, and she blinked, then ran off to get a cockroach to entice it out. Ron was caressing Parvati's shitting dick nipples the entire time, so I tried very hard not to pay attention to him. I definitely did not want moar of that.
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Shoving aside the newfags, I wandered into the Great Hall and kicked back and sounded the feasting horn. It seemed appropriate. However, Snape did not agree, and came to bitch at me. Luna grinned at me behind his back and waved her wand, causing a dropbear to fall on Snape. I smiled back at her-- problem solved.
After the feast was done, I found myself wandering back to the common room. Luna stopped me and showed me something rather excellent: During the break, she seems to have become a cat animagus. I smiled happily because, well, a cat is fine too. Of course, after that I ran into Cho and discovered she was a dickgirl by seeing her fucking Ginny-- who I'd like to point out was screaming my name, and this deeply disturbs me. I just sort of sighed, wondered why the bitches insist that they know when they don't even, and continued onwards.
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On some level it makes sense that as soon as I'd started to get ready to go to sleep Voldemort would show up, the goddamn goon. He fired a few spells at me, and I barrel rolled out of the way, calling upon the power of Raptor Jesus to save my scrawny ass.
Of course, it's just my luck that instead of Raptor Jesus showing up, it was Pedobear. Those poor newfags. That did give me a chance to get my bearings so I could stand and fight, however. Suddenly, as I was ducking and weaving and trying to figure out how do I shot web, a sudden idea occurred to me and I promptly acted upon it, throwing a trunk at Voldemort. He was sucked into it, but sadly, said trunk blew up as Voldemort had a power level over NINE THOUSAND, the goddamn dogmongler.
After that, it became a war of attrition-- He'd throw spells at me, and I'd sling demotivators, shit bricks, and mudkipz back at him. Luckily, when it came to killing me, he was DOING IT WRONG. I had to laugh at him, it was pathetic. He didn't take that well and started throwing the killing curse repeatedly in my general direction.
NEEDZ MOAR AIM, NUBSAUCE! I yelled, bashing him over the head with a stolen bag of rocks. This, of course, hit him like the fist of a vengeful god, killing him on the spot. I twirled my wand over my hand, smirking. A winner was me.
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The celebration over the death of Voldemort? Why, it was made of epic win, thank you very much. There was even a large amount of delicious cake. However, I had to bow out midway through-- I decided to look up the Lovely Ms. Luna Lovegood.
A cat really is fine, too.