Review for What If Chapter 1 from Samuel Black on July 08, 2008

I just died a little reading that.

Review for What If Chapter 1 from Xadro on July 08, 2008

Great beginning! I hope you update soon! - Xadro

Review for What If Chapter 1 from Sesc on July 08, 2008

I laughed at your response. I mean, needlessly cruel? It was three words, but whatever. Also, just for you and because I *hate* that attitude: -- You are my first bad review in two years, and my only bad review on this story out of twenty-three reviews on another site, tell me what does that say for my ability? -- Nothing. It means exactly shit. I've seen stories with more words spelled wrong than right, with no consistent tense and a ludicrous plot, and _still_ 99% of all reviews praised the story. So the faster you realise that you aren't the next candidate for the Nobel-Prize in Literature, just because you got 23 positive reviews, the better for you. Now, to the story. Your style is simplistic, below average. It reads a bit like something a school student would write. If you are, indeed, a student (I'd say, somewhere between 13 and 17), that would be an explanation, but it doesn't make it better. Also, you use too many goddamn commas, making for quite bad run-on sentences. Use periods instead. Example: -- Harry gurgled sleepily making Remus laugh, he carried Harry to his crib in Lily and James’ room, and opened the window in the room a crack, it was a nice day and Remus thought it would do Harry good to get some fresh air, another mistake, Remus yawned and went into the living room and started a fire. -- And you do it all the time. Plotwise, just a few instances where I scratched my head, otherwise knows as 'Plot-holes': -- Voldemort has been watching the Potter's house for four months, indeed? And no one noticed all the time? And he had nothing else to do than to sit there and wait, something like oh, I dunno, fight a war? -- No wards, that prohibit strangers from entering the property, (with a war going on?), and the only one that's there, an anti-burglar ward, doesn't work BECAUSE THE WINDOW IS OPEN??? -- Voldemort wanting a heir in the first place. AFAIK, he's quite content to be the sole remaining heir of Slytherin, after all, he murdered his family for it, didn't he? So why would he want a new one, and in a person, that could eventually challenge his position and authority no less? -- Harry changing immediately after he has new blood. Just because he now has different blood, he doesn't love his mother anymore? How does that work? What does blood have to do with anything? Completely disregarding the fact that he is only nine months at the time and wouldn't even be able to tell the difference, I find it hard to believe that he would suddenly turn away from the person he was closest to until then, just because he is now related to Voldemort. And also, what about later? Upbringing counts much more than heritage, and he lives with the Potters, after all. -- Ollivander, of course, having the secret uber-wand. Ughh. I don't know how many times this has been done before. Also, if I got that right, the wand can only be used by Slytherin's heir. 1) How come Riddle didn't get it when he came to Ollivander? 2) Why does Ollivander have the wand in the first place? I mean, if it was Slytherin's once, why would Slytherin give it back? So. I hope this balances your 23 positive reviews out. Add it to those, and average out, and you should have a more realistic view of what your story is like. I've seen worse stories, but this is by no means a masterpiece. Essentially, so far, it's average. What creativity you had in making the start slightly different from other Harry-is-Voldemort's-heir-stories is counterbalanced by illogical things like the sudden shift in personality. By all means, keep up the work, but change your attitude.

Review for What If Chapter 1 from Tragedian on July 07, 2008

God damn. TERRIBLE.

Author reply
Ok thank you for your review, even if it was pointless and needlessly cruel. Oh by the way I looked at your stuff, and have to agree with your last reviewer, to put it simply its terrible, just because you are jealous of others talent doesn’t mean you should flame, bash, or put down a good story. You are my first bad review in two years, and my only bad review on this story out of twenty-three reviews on another site, tell me what does that say for my ability? A lot more then anyone can say for you. Now here is my advice to you, go to your doctors, and ask if they can try to find a decent bone in your talent-less body. But don’t hold any hope that they will. Your Dear Friend, Outcast